Harder Now That It's Over
by isis-sg1
Summary: The relationship goes sour when they realise how different they really are ShepWeir Happy ending i promise


My first proper Shep/Weir fic! I really ope you like - thanks to xxfirefly9x for betaing :)

(I promise to have the next chapter of entity up soon - i just need someone to look over it for me - any offers?)

* * *

He lay on his side and watched her as she chewed her lip in worry, her eyes focused on the ceiling. She turned her head towards him. "Promise me," she whispered. He ran a finger through her hair while his other hand supported his head. He loved to run his fingers through her hair and always talked her out of cutting it short again. 

"I can't," He replied. She snapped her head away and turned onto her side, facing away from him. He sighed as he pushed himself onto his back. "I'll do my best." He spoke a second later, breaking the silence.

She shook her head. "It's not good enough."

He pulled himself into a sitting position and turned his head towards the body lying next to him. He turned back and dropping his head said "It's all I can offer you," He sighed. He heard her move and out of the corner of his eyes he saw her sit up, her thigh brushing against his.

"That's not true," She told him as she dropped her head to his shoulder. He lifted a hand and gently stroked her hair, soothing her.

"Look at me," He whispered the request and she complied silently, lifted her head and turning towards him. She lifted her eyes towards him. He cupped her cheek, running his thumb over her soft skin, "I don't want to let you down."

"Promise me," She whispered again. He opened his mouth to speak, to tell why he couldn't when she placed her hand over his mouth, "Lie to me," She told him, "I can't watch you go and have you think that it's okay to not come back," Her hand dropped back into her lap.

"Why do we go through this every time I go through the gate?" He asked her. She shrugged. He stood up and pulled her to her feet. She instantly wrapped her arms around his neck, holding on tight. He rested his head on her shoulder, one arm wrapped around her waist while his other hand cupped the back of her head, "I promise," He whispered into her ear and he felt her tighten her grip on him. They stayed in that position for a minute, reveling in each others warmth, feeling the other's heart beat, "I have to go," He told her.

She nodded, "I know," They pulled apart. She watched him silently as he pulled on his vest. Clipping his thigh strap on and placing his 9mil in the holster. Finally his P-90 was attached to his vest. He walked to the door and opened it with a wave of his hand, "Come back," she ordered.

"I promise," He answered before leaving the room. She'd never been able to watch him leave, not since they had started this, whatever this was. Occasionally, he'd leave and she would be in the control room but even then she closed her eyes until the gate shut down. Watching him come back was easier, seeing him return unscathed lifted a weight off her chest that had been suffocating her. The smile he would send her way helped her to breathe normally again and she would heave a sigh of relief.

After he was gone she moved silently through the corridors towards Stargate Operations. She had to distract herself with work. The pile of reports on her desk waiting certainly counted as a distraction but that didn't stop her from stopping to watch the gate every now and again "A watched gate never activates," Carson had told her a couple of weeks ago when she'd been caught staring at the gate.

She had managed to busy herself to a point that the stargate was forgotten. Meetings, reports, enthusiastic scientists took up her time. She wasn't prepared when the stargate activated and she jumped in her seat. He head snapped towards the gate and she watched as the symbols lit up. She walked to the control room.

"Who is it?" She asked, hoping she was heard over the bustle of the room.

"It's Dr McKay's IDC Ma'am," Someone answered and she nodded.

"Lower the shield," She ordered, she held her breath as the shield lowered and precious seconds flew past with nothing happening. Suddenly McKay came running through the gate, he was covered in mud and a gash cut across his forehead, blood flowing down his face mixing with sweat. Through harsh exhausted breaths he shouted for a medical team. She felt her heart drop into her stomach as she silently prayed the injured person wasn't him.

A second later Teyla appeared with similar cuts and bruises and then Ronon. His hand clutching John's vest as he dragged the unconscious man through the Stargate. As soon as he was completely clear the wormhole shut down and Ronon dropped to his knees, resting his hands on the cool Atlantis floor. As he let go of the vest Sheppard's head dropped limply onto the floor. Elizabeth could barely stand to watch. Blood covered his chest and he wasn't moving.

She didn't hear the rush as Carson and his team ran into the large room and began treating him. She watched them pick his body up and lifting it onto a gurney. She closed her eyes as one limp arm fell off the gurney.

"Elizabeth, are you coming?" McKay gripped her arm, startling her. She nodded dumbly and let him lead her towards the infirmary.

Seven hours later she sat by his bedside. "The surgery went well," Carson had told her, "As long as he doesn't contract any infections he should make a full recovery, after a fair amount of physiotherapy of course." She hadn't really listened to him, it wasn't important. Luckily the wound wasn't as bad as it looked. The amount of blood had made it look more serious than it was.

Her eyes watched the rise and fall of his chest, glad that he was breathing on his own and not depending on a ventilator. Wires traveled across his bare chest and connected to a machine by his side, recording his heart beating and more wires and tubes were connected to him, keeping him alive and medicated. A large bandage was stretched over his chest where he'd been injured but she could barely look at it. She looked at his face.

She always thought he looked peaceful when he slept, like the horrors he'd seen had been forgotten and he was just a normal person, no fights with evil life sucking creatures in far flung galaxies, no Genii, no bugs.

She sighed; she placed her elbow on the edge of the bed and rested her head in her hand. She thought back to the time when she hated the military, even rallied against it at any occasion. She didn't think there was a situation that couldn't be resolved peacefully and felt like banging her head against a wall when she met another macho military man who just wanted to blow things up. When had things changed? When she first heard about the stargate? When she'd first arrived on Atlantis? Or when she'd first kissed John Sheppard? He was military all over and sometimes, after reading a mission report or witnessing his skills first hand, she feared him. She feared him when he killed over sixty Genii protecting the city, feared him when he turned himself into a kamikaze pilot, ready to deliver a nuclear bomb straight into a hive ship personally. He could control drones with his mind, drones that could destroy huge spaceships.

Never in a millions years did she think she'd ever end up with a military man. A sarcastic, knows how to kills you more ways than you've had hot dinners, not always by the rule book military man, but military nonetheless. She lifted her head and dropped her hand towards his, she lifted his limp hand, making sure she didn't knock his IV, and clasped it gently in hers.

"You promised," She told him.

Elizabeth woke up the next morning in the infirmary. She sat up and realised someone had carried to one of the spare beds. She rubbed her eyes and looked over to where Sheppard was. Still asleep, she noticed.

She kicked back the covers and dropped herself onto the cold infirmary floor. She winced and quickly searched for her shoes. Out of the corner of her eyes she spotted them sitting just under the bed and she bent down to pick them up. She quickly tied her shoelaces, flattened down her unruly hair and shrugged on her jacket that had been draped over the edge of the bed.

She calmly crossed the room to his bed and sat back down in the chair she had spent most of the night in.

She was ready for another full day of waiting, her duties in Atlantis forgotten but was spared the wait when he heard him groan. She jumped up from her seat and leant over him.

"John?" she asked. She waited impatiently as he struggled to open his eyes. "John can you hear me?" Slowly one eye cracked open. He licked his dry lips.

"Water," he rasped. She picked up a cup from the bedside table and guided the straw to his mouth. After taking a couple of sips she pulled the straw away and placed the cup back on he table.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like crap," he answered.

"I'll call Beckett," she told him, "He'll give you something for the pain."

"Wait!" he grabbed her wrist as she tried to walk away. She turned back to him.

"I can handle it, just stay with me," he told her.

"Okay." She sat down. "Do you remember what happened?" He shook his head. She sighed, dropping her head and stared at her hands, writhing restlessly in her lap.

He frowned. "What is it?" he asked.

Her head snapped back up and her eyes met his. "You promised," She told him.

"What?"

"You promised."

He opened his mouth to speak, to tell her he kept his promise and came back, that he was going to be fine but Beckett entered the room and headed straight for them. The doctor fussed over him and he tried to answer his questions as he stared at her, while she did everything she could to avoid his gaze. He felt himself drifting back into oblivion as Beckett injected something into his IV and he mumbled her name before falling unconscious.

* * *

She found him in the gym three weeks later. She stood with her arms crossed as she watched him stretch, ready for a work out. It was too early she told herself. He could set back his recovery time. Part of her wanted that to happen, she secretly wished he hadn't recovered, that would have to stay on Atlantis indefinitely. She didn't want him leaving again, getting himself hurt again.

"What are you doing?" she asked him.

He stopped and looked at her for a second before turning back to what he was doing. "What does it look like?" he replied. They'd barely spoken since he'd been left of the infirmary, both choosing their own bedrooms to sleep in and only speaking to each other if absolutely necessary.

"It looks like you're trying to ignore the Doctor's orders. He told you no strenuous activity for another week at least."

"I'm fine," he said curtly.

"No." She shook her head, "You're not."

"And what would you know?"

_She said nothing as he pulled her t-shirt off her and flung it across the room then watched as he pulled his own shirt off. She ran her hands up his bare chest, her fingers trailing through the light chest hair. Her hands stilled as his began to play with the straps of her bra. He slid the straps down her arms one after the other then reached behind her back to unclasp it, letting the underwear drop away. _

"I know you've barely looked at me in three weeks," she said.

His eyes snapped up to meet hers. "Because I don't like what I see in your eyes," he replied.

"What you see in my eyes?" she questioned.

_She let him push her down onto the bed then pulled him down on top of her. She loved the feeling of his weight pressing her down into the mattress, _

"Look in the mirror Elizabeth," he snapped and she recoiled. He always called her Lizzie in private. He was the only one who could get away with it. Elizabeth now sounded so impersonal.

"Me? What about you?" She threw back at him, "I can see you've barely slept, Carson tells me you haven't been eating and now you're trying to exercise?"

"I need to get back out there!"

"Why so you can go and get yourself hurt again?" she shouted.

_His eyes ghosted over the newly exposed flesh, the mole on her hip, the scar just above her belly button and his__fingers trailed down her neck, along her collarbone. He heard her moan as the finger dipped between her breasts. His fingers circled the mole then traveled back up to soothe the scar. _

"This is what this is about?" he asked. He took a step towards her. "You don't want me back on active duty?"

"What happens the next time this happens? What if the next time Ronon drags you back through the stargate it's too late? What am I supposed to do then?"

"Elizabeth-"

"You promised!" she shouted.

_She grasped at the shorts hairs at the back of his neck as he kissed his way__down her neck. Her free hand held onto his bicep, __and __her fingernails dug__into his skin when he nipped and sucked her collarbone. _

"This? Still?" He shook his head in disbelief. "I told you I couldn't promise anything. You asked me to lie to you and I did."

"You didn't lie to me," she argued, "You've never been able to lie to me John. You promised that you would come back to me."

"And I did! I came back!"

"No John, Ronon dragged you back barely alive, and ever since we've barely spoken, barely looked at each other. I can't bear watching you go through the gate knowing I might not see you ever again."

_Her fingers trailed down his sides and she smiled when his muscles flexed as he shivered from her touch. She liked that she could get such a reaction out of him. She flipped them__over and straddled his waist. She leant over him and kissed his chest, her long her __hair__ tickling him. He lifted her head up and pulled her to him. She gasped into the kiss and he cupped her cheek, angling her face to deepen the kiss. _

"Every time I go through the gate there is a chance that I may never come back," he told her.

"Then don't go," she pleaded.

"What?"

"Don't go off world."

He shook his head. "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"I'm a soldier Elizabeth, the military commander of this base. I have to go."

"No you don't!"

"And send some young marine in my place? Is he more expendable than me?"

"Stop acting so military!" she shouted.

"Well you stop acting like a peace loving hippy!" he retorted, "I risk my life out there so someone else doesn't have to, if you thought I wouldn't, that I would sit on the sidelines then you're with the wrong person," he said.

She nodded. "I guess I am."

_He rolled off her and onto his back. He gasped loudly as he fought to get his breath back. She turned towards him, resting her head on his chest and her legs tangling with his. She placed a hand over his heart and smiled as she felt how fast it was beating. Her own was probably beating just as fast. An arm came and wrapped around her waist pulling her towards him even more and she sighed in content. She is where she felt safe, felt at home. _

He looked away as she turned and left the room silently.

* * *

The next morning he opened his bedroom door and nearly tripped on a box that had been left there. He picked it up and dumped the contents onto his bed. Using the empty box he picked up all of her stuff that she'd left in his room. The toiletries in his bathroom, even her smelly soap that he'd used on occasion just so he could smell her wherever he went, the book she'd left on her side of the bed, she'd even left some clothes in case she didn't have time to make it back to her own quarters. Once the box was filled he carried it to her door and left it on the floor. Things weren't going to be the same.

* * *

The atmosphere in Atlantis changed dramatically after their fight. They avoided each other's gaze in meetings and ate separately at dinner time. Their only conversation was strictly business and even then it was strained. Each and every time he left through the gate she was there to watch. What they weren't prepared for was the fallout. The entire expedition had fully embraced the couple when they'd first announced they were a couple and now moral was down. Atlantis personnel chose sides, the military with him, the Scientists with her. There were arguments between them as the two departments blamed the other for their leaders break-up. McKay would distract her with nonsensical ramblings. Kate Heightmeyer had approached them both separately but neither had taken her up on her offer to talk.

"You wanna talk about it?" Ronon asked mid fight though talking about feelings was the last thing Ronon wanted to do.

John twirled the stick in his hand and shook his head. "No," he answered.

Ronon heaved a sigh of relief as they circled each other. "It's just," he paused as he hit out, the move blocked easily by Sheppard. "You normally spend this time with her,"

"That was then," he replied curtly.

"Okay," Ronon nodded. "But I'm here if you wanna…you know."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I was going to say I'm here if you need a punch bag, you know – release all that anger, or even a distraction." he gave a half shrug.

Sheppard paused as he looked at his friend. "Thanks man." He was quickly thrown on the floor by Ronon.

* * *

She looked down at the computer in her hands and read the most recent emails sent to her as she hurried down the corridor. She didn't look where she was going and she didn't notice him coming down the corridor from the other direction, his attention elsewhere. The two collided both shocked to see the other. She dropped her computer and before she could pick it up he'd scooped it off the ground and was holding it out towards her.

"I-" He began but was quickly cut short when she grabbed the computer off him

"I'm late for a meeting," She said curtly before rushing down the corridor.

* * *

Things hadn't changed a month later. They were still avoiding each other like the plague and the tension between the military and scientists had gotten worse. They didn't even mix during their downtime, meals were eaten at opposite ends of the mess and two separate common rooms had to be set up to stop fights over ownership of the room. She was fed up with the atmosphere but just didn't know how to fix it, no matter how hard she tried. She watched from the control team as his team left through the gate. She stood tensely, her arms crossed in front of her and as soon as the gate shut off she returned to her office.

Her head snapped up at the sudden activation of the gate. She'd been so engrossed in her work that the noise had made her jump in her seat. No-one was expected back for another couple of hours. She walked quickly to the control room, "Who is it?"

"Colonel Sheppard's team," The scientist answered. She sighed as she anticipated their return, the image of Ronon dragging him through at the back of her mind. Teyla walked through first, McKay a step behind her. They both looked unharmed and she began to relax. A couple of seconds later Ronon and Sheppard walked though the gate and she frowned as she spotted him cradling his arm against his chest. Someone called for a medical team but he stopped them.

"I can still walk!" He pushed the med team away and his team flanked him protectively as they walked to the infirmary.

* * *

Later that evening she'd stepped out onto the balcony to breathe in the night air. It was empty in the control room apart from the few night shift personnel there to keep an eye on everything. She walked to the handrail and rested her arms on the cool metal. She didn't hear the door behind her whoosh open or see the figure join her.

"I'm fine by the way," he told her.

She jumped at his voice and turned to glare at him but her glare faded at the sight of the sling, "What happened? Get into another fight with a wraith? Challenge someone to a duel? Start a small war?" She asked wearily.

He frowned at her, "Didn't you read the report?" he asked.

She shook her head, "Haven't got round to it yet," she answered coolly.

"I was playing around with someone of the kids in the village," he explained "Took a tumble and dislocated my shoulder."

"Oh," she dropped her head.

"It's okay, with my track record of course you're going to think the worse."

"John-"

"I'll go," he interrupted her. "Leave you in peace." He turned and began to walk away.

"John," She called again. He spun around. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Me too," he replied. She smiled politely and turned back to the view. She heard his footsteps rejoin her. They stood there in silence, enjoying the sound of the ocean and watching the reflection of the city's lights over the rippling water, "Did I ever tell you I was married?" he said a moment later.

She turned to him with a frown. "No," she shook her head. "You didn't." Why hadn't he told her? She thought.

"We were only married a year, didn't work out," he explained.

"What happened?"

"Out of the twelve months we were married, eight of those months I was abroad in a black hawk. I was shipped back when I was injured, spent the next two months in and out of hospitals. As soon as I was fit for active duty I was given orders to ship out again. She begged me not to go but I just couldn't give what she wanted. When I finally returned four months after that she was gone."

"I'm sorry."

"Wasn't meant to be, she didn't understand."

"And you think I don't?" He met her eyes as the question was finally asked.

"If you didn't, you wouldn't send teams out to other worlds every single day. You understand what we have to do."

"Then what?"

"You think it's not hard for me when I leave through the gate? Knowing the wraith could attack, a scientist could press the wrong button and blow Atlantis up and I wouldn't be there to do anything about it? Every minute I'm on some other world is a minute I'm not there to protect you."

She swallowed hard, "How do you handle it?"

"I don't," He shrugged, "There isn't any way to. I just accept that I'm not superman, everywhere at once and I trust my men to be there for you when I'm not there."

"How very pragmatic of you."

"I try," He smiled and she realised how much she missed him smiling at her. He looked down at the ground before looking back up at her. "Look," he began.

"John please-"

"Why are we doing this?" he asked, ignoring her request.

"You know why," she replied. She shifted away from him.

"Look I know we both said some things but life has been pretty crappy since we broke up. The whole expedition has been affected by this."

"Yes," She spun back round to face him, "I told you this would happen if it didn't work out."

"Yet we took the risk anyway," He argued, "I love you Lizzie," He declared.

She shook her head, "You couldn't, not after everything."

"You could tell me you hated me every single day for a thousand years and I would still love you." He took a tentative step towards her.

"I don't hate you.'" She shook her head.

He smiled at her words. He lifted a hand and ran it through her hair, "Have I ever told you how much I love your hair long?"

"Yes, quite a few times." She lifted her own hand and stopped him. "John," she began.

"Why can't we carry on where we left off?" he interrupted.

She sighed, "Because things are different now. I'm still going to hate you going off world, seeing you get hurt. That's not going to change."

"Then just accept that as long as I have a single breath in my body I will get myself home. Even if Ronon has to drag me back. And yes I'm going to get hurt and no that's not going to stop me from going off world but it's my fault the wraith woke up and I have to fix the problem."

"I'm never going to like it."

"You wouldn't be you if you didn't."

"John," she warned.

"If you don't want to do it for us do it for the good of the expedition," he tried.

"You want us to be together to stop the fighting among the military and scientists?"

He shrugged, "Why not?"

She smiled, "It's going to take time," she answered.

"I know, I can be a very patient man."

"And we have a lot to work through."

"I know," he nodded.

"But you're right," she answered with a firm nod.

"About what?"

"Things have been crappy," she admitted.

"Well you know what to do about that don't you?" She frowned in confusion. In one swift movement he cupped the back of her neck with his free arm and pulled her to him. The kiss started gentle but the need for more grew in both of them turning into a deep passionate kiss that they'd both sorely missed. She wrapped her arms round his neck and pulled him closer and he winced as she knocked his bad shoulder. He pulled away with a groan.

"Oh god, I'm sorry."

"S'okay," he said as the pain died down. He pulled her into a loose hug, this time more careful of his shoulder. He rested his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes, "I've missed this," he whispered.

"Me too," she admitted. "Come on," She said as they pulled apart. "You look like you could use some rest." She led him away from the balcony, her arm wrapped round his waist and her head resting gently on his uninjured shoulder.

"I'm not that tired," he waggled her eyebrows at her.

"Yeah, and I'm not that easy," she replied as they walked back to his quarters.


End file.
